3 AM in the morning, and i find myself in front of my computer, bitching about life. yes, life has been a great misery to me. yes, i hate it. yes, i should be studying with 6 days to my first paper, and zero preparation at the moment. but you don't see me caring now, do you? i should be, but i can't. wonder why. there's this heavy burden that seems to be on my back lately, something i can't seem to get off, but something i don't know. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PROBLEM??? geez, i wish someone could tell me, it would make life so easy. it's simplistic really, i could focus it on a few major fuck-ups in my life right now. first, would be the burden on housing. this is really annoying me, spending too much time thinking about it. so many sudden changes in plans, and no matter what, i seem to be thrown back to square ONE in the end. yippie, 4 person to a 6 person house, and a hell of a bill to handle. how much more fun can life get.
now that THATS off me for the next 5 minutes, comes the second problem. my lifestyle. its been all screwed up, tossed and tumbled all over. right now, i feel like i've been wrapped up in some chewing gum, and being chews on by a crossbreed of godzilla and king kong, with 10 times the bad breath of rotten fish and bananas. i need to get back to some proper scheduling in my life... (hah! like thats ever possible!) if you'd consider that fact that i'm blasting those people who come to sheffield, grow wings and fly, maybe i'm one of them. this would be the first time i'm away from responsibility (alright, i've still got losta stuff to do, groceries and shit, but no mummy nagging!), and free like a bird. perhaps i'm not ready for freedom. i'm just on a self-destructive pattern right now, fucking myself and everything else around me.
problem no.3, hormone growth. i think i've been single long enough. i need a girl. my hormones are virtually overflowing right now. i need someone i can cuddle up to, and just let time fly by. someone i could just spend hours staring at her, not saying a word, and feel fulfiled afterwards. i havent had this feeling for ages now, and i miss it dearly. too much, maybe. this hormonal unbalance has got me taking fancy and feeling infatuated by every girl around me (those with relatively good looks, down to those normal ones... not raksasas, i still have standards). but this one girl, my heart actually flutters when i talk to her on icq. i'm going crazy over this, it hurts my head thinking about this.
alrightes, problem 4. or was it 5? i lost count. anyway, FINANCIALS! i'm broke. resorting to eating indomee daily isnt very healthy, but what is? my lifestlye isnt healthy. i'm sacrificing good food, and sticking to indomee, in order to be able to go out for a few pints? kinda stupid, isnt it? yes, very much. but i cant help it. i told you my life is fucked. and i'm too broke to even get pints lately. and with the very wonderful exchange rate (fuck you, USA! u can spend loads on the war against iraq, but u cant handle your economy? care for yourself before u think about others! be selfish, god damnit!), i cant seem to spend anything. i keep convertijng, and its like, WOW! RM14 for a miserable burger and a side order of fries. and its not even mcdees. that would burn double or triple that.
next number, exams. ok, i'm not gonna even touch this much. my studies are slacking, everyone around me is studying hard, and this ISNT growing on me. i need to study, but i cant get the mood. argh, how am i gonna even pass the god damned thing.
screw studies, lets move on. last but not least, malaysia. i'm hell of a homesick right now. oddly enough, i dont miss my family much. i miss mamak. i miss clubbing. i miss my car. i miss my friends. but not my family. funny, huh? and worse is, i'm losing contatcs with my friends. i'm thinking, if i dont go back to malaysia in summer, and patch things up with my gang, will they even remember me in 2 years? doubt it. then i'll be going back to malaysia, back to subang, knowing NO ONE. that would kinda suck, wouldnt it? then i'll be stuck back in square one, like in what.. form 3? all by myself, sitting one side, reading my favourite book, wishing i was one of the in crowd. this is a sad misery when you look at it like this.
anyway, i'm done with my ranting. now my life forks into 2 directions. 1) pick up my notes, and study till my brain overheat, and melts and flows out throught my ears and nostrils. 2) fuck everything up, and go to bed, dreaming about things i can never achieve and get. alright, i think i'll leave it suspended here. i'm gonna toss a coin and let luck decide my fate. i'll tell u the results the next time i blog. if i remember. if.....
