m o o ?

Wednesday, February 15

yesterday, while wining and dining [at usj2 nasi lemak with 2 more
batangs.. not even remotely vday-ish], i decided that the world was
taunting me for being single. that, or the 90.3 radio DJ was a
depressed dateless on valentines guy. why? because not only wasnt he
any form of love songs, but he was dishing out those heartbroken and
lonely songs.. on vday!
dont know about u guys, but it definitely shows something. rob thomas'
"this is how my heart breaks" and akon's "lonely" DOES NOT help with
curing depression. damned 90.3. sob.

derek
4:22 PM

Saturday, February 11

One thing I can say is... the nurses in adventist hospital in penang
sure are cute. Or at least 3 I saw. With one of them sitting in a very
compromising position at the Nurses station. I could swear my nose
started bleeding on the spot. A nurses cosplay fantasy come true. Ah
what a turnon.

--
Derek

derek
11:34 PM

Culture shock isn't defined as going to a foreign land overseas and
facing difficulties accepting their lifestyle. The shock itself can be
found in our own backyard. All you need is time.

I used to like penang, many many years ago. It was fun and exciting. I
had an army of cousins with a load of fun & expensive toys, a huge ass
telly, home theater laser disc system, and more of the lot.
But now, penang is as dead to me as Timbuktu. Its basically lost its
very soul, its very essence. Perhaps all of us has just grown. The
cousins have Moved on to their own direction, and our tastes &
personality have actually differed so much, its like Pamela Anderson
b4 n after surgery. ALL in all, in heart, I am a KL boy, and they are
penangnites. The fast paced lifestyle I am used to just disappears
here, and slowing down to a snails pace just doesn't suit me.
likewise, they cannot match my pace either.
Its just in us. Something unchangeable. Unbreakable. The lifestyle and
ethics we go by are different to the very core. which is why, I am a
KL boy.

--
Derek

derek
11:33 PM

Friday, February 10

browsing along rss feeds this morn [yes, i use rss, save me alot of hassle since im browsing blogs from office. cant have those fancy designs on my broswer, can i?], and i came across her post regarding this and i must say, i actually disagree with mr hobo here. first, let me clarify, im not one of those love evangelist who relishes the chance to fall in love, and cherish the love. i dont think of love as taking things to great heights and talking about it in celebrating hues of happiness and gooey stickiness [quoted from minishorts]. in fact, i barely believe in love. i dont care for valentines. i dont see it as any particular big deal.
however, i do believe this... love exists for others. some people have it, some people dont. im the latter, void of love, ending up as bitter and cold, grouchy and grumpy and perhaps all of the other seven dwarves. but i just saw a major dose of irony in the post. lets begin dissecting that post bit by bit.

Women are like spoiled children. They are self-focused, insecure and irrational. They crave drama and games. They demand constant attention, reassurance, and above all, power in relationships. And, like children, who ceaselessly push limits to see just how much they can get away with from their parents, women relentlessly test men.

frankly, i can barely see a difference between both species. men are somethings even more spoilt. ive seen ppl merajuk over the tiniest of tiny matters, just to pick a fight. self focused.... egoistic, machismo.. arent we all? men, above all. insecure, maybe not. irrational, oh hell yea. guys can say the stupidest thingys, the most illogical crap, and the worst lies when pushed to a corner. ive known ppl from all aspects giving me literally rubbish for reasons, to get out of something.. attention and reassurance, hahhaha, maybe mr hobo hangs out with those im macho, im ego, im cool type of ppl. or maybe i just hang out with pansies. but guys DO demand attention. a whole lot of them. and which guy wouldnt want to be in control of a relationship? saying this, hobo simply states hes not willing to concede his power in a relationship to women. double standards. bah. relentlessly test men... hmmm... like what? guys who suddenly stop calling for a day to see if the girl can take it? then two. then three. testing her patience. likewise when hes mixing with other girls. seeing if he can get her jealous. guys do that too...

and now, we dissect the checklist

Canceling or changing plans at the last minute.

this one, is where guys are slightly different. its called double standards. guys will never ffk girls. guys will always ffk guys. thats the general rule of thumb

Not returning phone calls (even though she's interested in you).

cant say ive never done that before.

Finding fault with your clothes, hair, car, etc. and pressuring you to change them.

HAH! u see, another double standard case. in front of the girl, he keeps quiet. behind her back, with his friends, etc... the common 'aiyo, i wish she wore skirts more often' and 'if only she was..... ' seems to be a nightly topic conversation

Pouting when you want to spend time with your buddies.

so, guys out there, do u actually mind when ur gf have a girls nite out? most guys i know will be constantly smsing or calling her to find out what shes doin, where she is.. bla bla

Bringing up the dreaded "Where do you think this relationship is going?" question.

he has a point. guys just wanna have sex. we're horny.

Acting bratty, bitchy, demanding, dramatic, picky, or manipulative to see if you will put with it.

so hobo, i assume uve never seen guys get pms before. scarier than girls sometimes.

Testing to see how nice you are (will you back down or change your behavior to suit her?).

so u dont expect presents from ur gf for special days. nor do u expect her to follow whatever u say?

Expecting you to ask for permission before doing any "guy stuff."

some ppl i know, wanna know the exact location of their gf at any given minute.

Blatantly flirting with other men in front of you.

so u dont have any other girl friends in this world after being a couple?

Accusing you of doing things you didn't do.

guys are paranoid too, you know

Threatening to leave or end the relationship if she doesn't get her way.

yea, if guys dont get their way, they just end it without threats and expects her to come back beggin

Blaming you when you call her on her behavior.

dont understand, so shall not comment

Making you jump through all sorts of hoops.

same la.. tak faham

Asking "no-win situation" questions ("Does this dress make me look fat?").

thats THE question. but guys and their ego these days, u think they wont ask alike?

Playing hard-to-get -- pretending she's not interested in you when she really is, and then expecting you to keep pursuing her.

yea, guys simply go.. 'nola, not interested in her' and next thing u know, WHAM. guys dont do hard-to-get, they do dont-want-to-get mindgames.

Not answering questions directly/expecting you to be a mind reader and then blaming you when you're not.

so u think a girl knows what u r thinking all the time?

Making you beg for it. (you know what lah kan …)

another good point. guys are horny, and girls.. are.. less horny..

in the end, guys and girls, their the same, their akin. its human nature to put your partners to whatever 'tests' there are. i admit something, this post is degrading to guys. and makes me sound like a girl. but still, ive seen enough of both sides, to say im disillusioned by this all. relationships tests both sides. and if u find a couple that can manage it, good for them. i havent.

derek
1:49 PM

lets make this simple. because ive been getting alot of questions since my post.
.what. where. who. why. when.
i can safely say this. those who read this blog, and those who i know
read this blog. this does not concern you. it never did, it
never will. how the lie [we shall henceforth call it this,
because it sounds so damn cool] wouldve affected you, would be just
collateral damage. the lie warped my personality. it twisted
me. and in effect, the derek you see today, is the one warped by
the lie. not the real me. in fact, i dont know the real me. but
anyway, simply put, thats it. if you want life to be easier, simply
treat as if nothing happened, that im me. besides, the previous post
was just to let out some hot air, to lift some burden off my
shoulders. never cared who or what read it. never did, never will.

derek
10:11 AM

Sunday, February 5

what would u do, if you could turn back the hands of time?

lies. the single deadliest sin. the one where the 7 sins can only dream of matching. i'd challenge anyone in the world, to name me a single soul, who has never ever lied. as a child, as a teenager, as an adult, as a senior. everyone lies. theres no denying that. few things that separates the good and the bad.

the severity of the lie. white lies. black lies. gray lies.

the frequency of the lie. how often, how rare.

the impact of the lie. to get away with something. to hurt someone. for self gain.

6 years ago, i told a white lie. it was just a small spur of the moment. a simple no-brainer white lie. jsut to get out of a slightly tight spot. so i didnt think anything of it. severity-white.frequency-once.impact-togetaway. no harm done. or so i thought. and then, it jumps right back at me. topics are brought up, lies are questioned. and in a tighter spot than before, i made another. and another. and another. before i knew it, i have spun a web of lies which could put the nixon administration to shame. i cant run away from it. i cant admit it. i cant deny it. i just continue it, over and over again. that was 6 years ago. and now i realize, im living that lie. my life in the last 6 years was built around it. i based my entire self, personality and attitude, on that very lie. and instead of getting out of something, i put myself in a spot so tight, i can barely breathe. issue is, the lie comes so easy. i can answer and create one in seconds, saying it confidently as if the matter was true as the sky was blue. in fact, everyone believes it. and sometimes, i find myself believing it. heck, i live it anyway. my last 6 years of my life, all fabricated, all false. a snowball effect, making a small ripple into a tsunami. and its all so real, i cant tell the truth from the false. some true incidents, i assume were lie. some lies, i believe were true. but my life, a lie.

so what would u do, if you could turn back the hands of time? turn back time to the day i said it. stop myself from muttering it? possible, probably, doubtful. i dont think id dare undo this all. living in this so long, i cant begin to imagine life without it. or what i mightve been. or what i really should be. we'll never know now, will we? and even that, may be a lie.

derek
12:27 AM

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